Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
