I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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