You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
