I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
