Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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