His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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