I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
