if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
