Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
