I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I think my fart just growled at me.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
