She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
