He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
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the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
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And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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