Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
