At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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