My liver just broke up with me...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I intend to get homeless drunk
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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