you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
