Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
