I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
where are you?
Hypothermia
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
