Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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