Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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