i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
