God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
