So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
