I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
