she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
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