all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
