made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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