i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
