I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
