So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
