you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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