well I can't set my house on fire every night
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
