Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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