No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
