Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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