A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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