Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
