your room smells of hookers.
And success
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
