I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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