It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
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sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
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We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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