She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
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The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
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Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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