Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
