My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
