In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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