I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
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He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
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He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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