so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
