Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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