explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
