at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
