I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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