i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
