I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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