i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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