Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
