dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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