I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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