Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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